Sorry. But just because you like it, that doesn’t make it metal. Semantically speaking, sandwiches are “food with bread on the outside.” This was like trying to get a Metal Detector reading on “songs with G# in them” or “people who have hands.” That sandwiches scanned at all is something of a twisted miracle. That the rating is even this high demands further research, because (now speaking phenomenologically, if you will permit) food only has bread on the outside so you can eat it without getting your hands messy. Getting your hands messy is metal. Failing that, eating with a fork is metal, as long as the fork is. Maybe even eating with chopsticks, since you can probably make those out of dragon bone. But sandwiches? Yes, sandwiches are delicious, but metal they are not. So whence these traces?

Well, this is a sandwich:


Oh look, it’s all black! That’s so metal! No. It’s not. If you could make anything metal by making it black, then all personal hygiene products marketed at men would be more metal than Powerslave.

hygiene powerslave

Nothing that is cleansing is metal unless it’s fire. So if you think that burger is metal, maybe you should try this shampoo.

Other studies have suggested that there may be some correlation between sandwiches in metal. However, all of them seem to rely on Ozzy Osbourne

…or surrealist cartoon shows


… or both:


Which is rather anecdotal evidence if you ask me. For the most part, sandwiches are no more metal than metal is sandwiches. Not that Psycho Stick and In Defence aren’t charming once in a while…


…but I feel like we’re kind of scraping the barrel here. I mean, when I ran a lyrical themes search for “sandwiches” on Encylopedia Metallicum, this was all I got.

Only after long hours of painstaking experimentation was I finally able to expose the truth. The only real reason why sandwiches are metal at all. And the truth, my friends, it is metal indeed:

quickies really big burger FINAL

I guess it has something to do with dislocating your jaw like a rattlesnake.  If you don’t believe the Metal Detector, believe Weedeater:

Thanks to Simone Scalici for suggesting this post, sort of.

Original peanut butter and jelly sandwich by Evan-Amos.

Really big burger by Quickie Too.

One thought on “Sandwiches”

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