Genghis Khan

khan

Feel that intense stare, feel it bore into your soul. That’s our man Genghis, and hes coming for you, your children, your stuff, and your wives too.

Hello Metal Reality readers, this is The Brother and I will be taking care of your metal needs for this week while my brother…Other Brother, is off doing something else, probably something pretty metal… Teaching dobermans how to play Children of Bodom, or something. Full disclosure I do not have the metal detector with me, my brother wouldn’t let me have it, said I wasn’t ready, and the truth is he’s right. I do not claim to be an expert on how metallic most things are, in fact my greatest feat of metal activity was having my picture taken with the singer from Battlecross. But I do know a thing or two about the guy pictured above, and it doesn’t take an expert to understand that this guy definitely showed signs of metal, how much? you decide.

Genghis Khan was the progenitor of the mongol empire as we knew it. He unified a fractured tribal people into the most effective military force the world has ever seen. He conquered more land then anyone else in history, was responsible for the deaths of upwards of 40 million people, and by most accounts was a pretty swell guy. In fact when asked by some inquisitive fellow “Why are you killing us?!” his response was.

greatest-happiness

Now I’m sure some of you are saying “Hey, wait a minute, you just stole that from Conan the Barbarian!” and to that I say, open a history book. Genghis Khan was around WAY before Conan the Barbarian was a thing, so good old Arnold stole that from him, and when a man that is able to kill snake version James Earl Jones (a feat only ever accomplished by a deceptive lion, and a guy that shoots lightning bolts out of his hands)

Review_DarthVaderEmperorsWrathPOTJ_stillD

finds the need to partially quote a guy from 750 years ago to sound like a bad ass, that guy is probably not to be messed with.

And yet still I hear the naysayers “Yeah but lots of people say things to sound a lot meaner than they are” and to that I say, nay. Genghis Khans attraction to crushing armies and leveling cities is well documented, but a 2003 study suggests that 1 in 200 men alive today are direct descendants of Genghis Khan himself. You do the math (no, really, I’m not doing the math for you), that’s a whole lot of wives and daughters gathered into his bosom.

But for all his propensity for destruction, murder, and overall dickishness the Khan of Khan’s did a lot of good, and in a lot of ways was instrumental in shaping the modern world as we know it. Through his conquest he connected the many countries along the silk road, opening up trade and the exchange of knowledge from Eastern Asia to Europe. He was also one of the original advocates for religious freedom and equality, and as my brother has already proven, equality is totally metal.

No one knows how Genghis Khan died, or where he was buried, the legend goes that everyone with that knowledge was killed after his burial, and his private guard patrolled the border of the huge tract of land in which he had been taken until they went to their own dirt nap. During the Soviet conquest and occupation of Mongolia, the USSR outlawed the image of Genghis Khan, and even punished anyone talking about him. Now this may seem like a political maneuver, I personally believe that they were afraid that the ghost of Genghis Khan would be invoked and would return to dish out a righteous can of woop ass on them. I believe this because the USSR, having heard that Genghis had been buried somewhere in a large area, decided to turn that entire area into an artillery range, artillery shells being the only known defense against ghost khans and ghost armies.

Who Ya Gonna Call?
Who Ya Gonna Call?

Finally, I present to you irrefutable proof of the metallic nature of Genghis Khan, from the only real source of metal knowledge that I possess. What is most metal in life? Power chords? Angry lyrics about the futility of life? no, it is of course Beard. So please compare.

YuanEmperorAlbumGenghisPortrait Battlecross-performing-at-The-2013-Rockstar-Energy-Drink-Mayhem-Festival-at-DTE-Energy-Music-Theatre-in-Clarkston-MI-July-29th-2013-photo-by-Marc-Nader-9412

One of these guys is the lead singer for Battlecross (Yeah, the guy I got a picture with that I don’t have, but I SWEAR it happened) the other is a artists rendition of what Genghis Khan may have looked like. I challenge you to determine which is which. Metal status proven.

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